Cooking with Ryback

A dinner spread fit for an entire family. The enormous amount of food was all perfectly placed on a long table with a pale blue colored table cloth. Candles were lit and one would think that this was enough to feed the entire EBWF roster. BUT NO. It was all for one man. Ryback. He stood at the end of the table like a carnivore ready to rip apart a deer. Everything was freshly prepared. Seated at the head of the table was the woman he served as a bodyguard for. The reigning Women's Champion: Paige. Her fingers lightly drummed against her cheek as she smiled just slightly.

Paige: You have done some amazing things so far. You're much better at your job than Tensai ever was.

Ryback: That's not saying much. I'm a killer. He was just a lovesick idiot.

Ryback's eyes lowered to the wealth of food before him.

Paige: I believe we should continue this arrangement. However, your next match is going to be very important. One of the participants is someone that I..loathe, to put it very lightly.

Ryback: Yeah?

Paige: Leo Kruger. I would very much enjoy it if you were to mangle him beyond all recognition. I had the..old hand thoroughly beat him for his actions in the past but I believe you can hammer home the message even clearer. 

A smirk appeared on the grizzled features of Ryback. It was obvious to him that if he destroyed whomever Paige directed him towards that more lavish expenses would be bestowed upon him. And more food.

Ryback: So you want me to hurt this guy? Consider it done. 

Paige: Take his title. Make sure he is aware that I took it from him. I want him to realize what happens when you put your hands on royalty. And while you're at it..do whatever you want to Carlito. Have fun with it.

Ryback: Oh, I'm going to have fun all right. I'm going to have lots of fun wrecking those two 'small fries'.

This was enough reassurance for Paige that Ryback could get the job done and she turned her back to the table before stepping away. She knew that table and everything on it was about to be massacred. 

Paige: Dig in.

A normal man would probably go into a coma after attempting to down this many quantities of food. But Ryback was no normal man.

SCENE 2: DINNER TIME

It looked like a scene from an early 90's cooking program. Except that the host was a gigantic, man in an air brushed singlet. Everything in the kitchen looked very wholesome except Ryback who stood behind a kitchen table that was filled with ingredients, pots and pans and what have you. 

Ryback: Ha. Welcome to cooking with Ryback. And no. I'm not going to wear an apron or a chef's hat. Because I'm not a LOSER. Zoom the camera closer to my face you skinny nerd.

The camera was brought in closer so that only Ryback's face filled the screen.

Ryback: I hear that a lot of our stupid, out of shape fans say that I can't be entertaining. Or that I can't wrestle.

He slammed one of his beefy fists onto the counter top.

Ryback: SAY IT TO MY FACE AND NOT ON THE INTERNET AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

The camera shot back out of terror but Ryback regained a more calm demeanor. 

Ryback: I have destroyed men like Antonio Cesaro, Big Show and Chris Sabin and at Fanniversary I'm going to claim my very first EBWF title. So welcome, you fat geeks, to "COOKING WITH RYBACK".

He spread his arms out and nodded in approval at his sweet name for a cooking show.

Ryback: Some of you may be asking yourself.."what are the ingredients to create Ryback"? Well, the first thing you need to know is that I'm all man. ALL MAN. There are no ingredients that can create a physical specimen such as myself. It's impossible so don't even try. There is no one as strong, powerful or as BIG as me. Maybe if you could get on a rocket and fly to another planet you might be able to find something that could POSSIBLY craft an athlete like me. But, then again, all of you watching are way too gross and blob like to ever pass the physical to become an astronaut. Those are the facts and you can't deny them. Same goes for my opponents. HEY. Where are my ingredients?!

A chubby, male stagehand quickly rushed onto the set to hand a burlap sack to Ryback. He took one look at his lacking physique and scoffed.

Ryback: We all know that Ryback rules, but in your house CLEARLY food rules. HAH.

He shooed the guy away before his un-chisled appearance made him sick to his stomach.

Ryback: Let's start with the first guy who stands between me and the Breakout Title. Carlito. 

A large finger was pointed directly towards the camera.

Ryback: Carlito. I've got a problem with you. You walk around calling yourself a "Body Guy"?! What kind of body do you have you skinny, pathetic slug?! Maybe if you weren't so lazy and you hit the gym every now and again you MIGHT have a body like Ryback. But you don't have the dedication, drive or focus! Do you want to know what's not cool? YOU'RE NOT COOL. RYBACK IS COOL. Your hair probably weighs more than you do! Learn how to lift and pump some real iron before you even THINK of considering yourself a body guy. How many reps can you even do?! Do you think your traps measure up to mine?! YEAH RIGHT. You're pretty much a cruiserweight. You want this title? You had better cruiser WAIT.

After Ryback was done admonishing Carlito's gym activities he reached into the burlap sack and pulled out an afro wig. He stuffed it into one of the steel pots.

Ryback: You want to make Carlito? Here is the first ingredient. Horrible, rat infested hair. He's filled with pride about it but I'm not sure why. Second ingredient.

He pulled out a big juicy apple and swiped it against his manly and enormous chest.

Ryback: I have never in my entire existence met a human being who ate apples and was tough. Never. Carlito is no exception but for some reason he can't get enough of 'em so into the pot it goes.

The apple was rolled into the pot.

Ryback: ..So..yeah. That's pretty much it really. All Carlito has going for him is his hair and his apples. I don't think anyone is going to be too surprised when bad hair and fruit don't measure up to the BIG GUY. I've got an extra dish for ya. Start taking notes. This is how you prepare Leo Kruger. 

Ryback scowled and shook his head about a few times.

Ryback: Kruger..you're exactly what everyone says you are. An animal. A sick freak. You like hunting women? Why don't you try hunting me? Because you will quickly find out that Ryback is the king of this jungle. It doesn't matter how good of hunter you think you are. You aren't prepared for a creature like me. You think a rhino..or a hippo..or even a lion can give you trouble? You haven't seen anything until you step into the ring with THE BIG GUY. You've held your title for over five month. Congrats. It's only because I haven't been around to take it from you but don't worry. I'm not going to leave you empty handed. I'm going to leave your teeth all over the ring. Maybe you can make a necklace out of them or something.

Ryback lifted his bag of ingredients upwards once again.

Ryback: Wanna know how to make Leo Kruger? Pay attention.

A black fright wig was pulled out and stuffed inside along with the other items.

Ryback: Gross, dirty hair. Yeah. Both of my opponents have really bad hair. If the Big Guy felt like having hair you can guarantee that shampooing and conditioning would be a priority. 

A map of South Africa was pulled out next and roughly shoved inside the pot.

Ryback: Kruger is from South Africa. I don't really know where that is and I don't care. I guess north of Africa or something. All I know that he came from there so it must SUCK. Is that going to upset South Africans? LIKE I EVEN CARE.

Ryback lifted the pot upwards.

Ryback: What do you get when you put them both together?

The pot was thrown against a wall where it made a loud clang sound and Ryback turned to the camera and snarled.

Ryback: A BIG STEAMING PILE OF CRAP. That's exactly what my opponents are. The time to entertain is over! Carlito! Kruger! Take a good, hard look! Do you think I can't hurt you? Better think again! Because not only am I going to hurt you I'm also going to leave that arena as a champion! When I'm done feasting on you two I'm not even going to leave the bones.

The Big Guy stormed off of the set after demonstrating his prowess as a chef.

RYBACK RULLLESSS

It was difficult to tell that Ryback had lost his most recent match against Cody Rhodes. He had a confident swagger in his walk as he headed through one of the hallways of the arena. He was dressed in his ring gear as per usual since most normal man clothes couldn't possibly hold such a mountain of muscles. He was soon joined by another huge man in Tensai. The former Japanese idol walked alongside Ryback and shook his head in stern disappointment. 

Tensai: Queen Paige is very disappointed. 

Ryback scoffed.

Ryback: Is that so?

They were stopped by the presence of the Women's Champion herself as they reached her locker room. The dark haired young woman had a completely expressionless look upon her face. After giving Ryback an icy stare the traces of a small smile appeared on her face. Tensai found his head rammed against the nearest wall, courtesy of Ryback. The force behind it left a large dent in the surface and Tensai crumbled to the floor in a heap. He was blind sided as Ryback began to reign down punches from his curled up fist. Paige leaned down over him once he was motionless and barely conscious.

Paige: I'm terribly sorry, Tensai. I truly am. I just grew tired of having a lovesick puppy follow me around. I want to be surrounded by people who are a little more..hungry. You've outlived your usefulness.  Farewell.

She placed a soft kiss on the center of his forehead before disappearing into her locker room. Ryback looked very proud of himself as he stared down at Tensai's hapless body. 

- Scene 2 - 

After a long afternoon of bullying enhancement talent eating enough to feed four countries..Ryback was ready to give an interview. The camera was zoomed in on his confident smirk before backing away to reveal Michael Cole holding a microphone up to the gorilla like human being. There was a big "Warfare" logo behind them but it was not nearly as big as Ryback, of course.

Michael Cole: I'm here with Ryback who is set to compete in our third match of the evening.

Ryback: Ha. You mean "THE WRECKING MACHINE" Ryback. The Big Guy. Try and get it right next time you little dweeb.

Michael Cole: It's interesting that you use the word "big".

Ryback: Don't you do it.

Ryback began to shake his head back and forth in an almost violent manner.

Michael Cole: Well, you're going to be facing off against a seven foot giant..The BIG SHOW.

Ryback: NO. RYBACK IS THE BIG SHOW! There is no bigger show than me! My girth cannot ignored!

The poor helpless backdrop was yanked down and Ryback began to beat on his chest like King Kong. Michael Cole backed away in terror.

Ryback: The Big Show is not going to look so big when I toss him all over that ring like the sack of CRAP that he is. Do you think that I could possibly be afraid of him, his fist or those sausage links he calls fingers? FAT CHANCE. When I go to the gym I lift more than the Big Show weighs! Without breaking a sweat! Can you even begin to fathom how many hours a week I spend in the gym?!

The fact that someone in the universe existed who was somehow bigger than Ryback was bringing severing disharmony into his life.

Ryback: He won't look so BIG when he's flat on his back. He won't look so BIG when I Shell Shock him RIGHT IN THE CENTER OF THE RING. Do you think I can't lift Big Show up for the Shell Shock?! Think again, NERD! 

Michael Cole: I don't think anyone is doubting your strength. But Big Show, obviously a very powerful man himsefl.

Ryback's eyes nearly popped out of his head.

Ryback: Do you want to die? Do. You. Want. To die?

Michael Cole: N-No, Ryback. I don't want to die.

Ryback: You're lucky you even have a job. Because everyone wants to be interviewed by that blonde chick now. But I don't care about her. Or you. Or Big Show. Because I'm going to treat him like a buffet at Golden Corral and DEMOLISH HIM. 

Michael Cole: That sounds very..

Ryback snatched Cole by his tie.

Ryback: Lunch money. Now. Just give it to me. All this talk about beating up fatso's is making me hungry.

Since Michael Cole was a grown man and didn't have lunch money he just gave Ryback his entire wallet.

Ryback: Huh. Sweet. Hit the bricks, lame-a-zoid.

Cole did as he was ordered and Ryback, with wallet in tow, went off to raid the vending machine.   

THE BIG GUY

Tensai paced back and forth in front of an entrance to the arena. He adjusted the purple tie he wore and straightened out his black suit. His hands ran over his bald head and although it was physically incapable for Tensai to worry he was hiding something behind his dark sunglasses. Paige, his Queen and the Queen of the EBWF, was running slightly late. This did not suit well with Tensai and he began to pound his fist into his palm. If any harm had come to her there would be serious hell to pay. But the door opened and Paige emerged in all of her pale skinned, dark haired splendor. His worries went away. But just as quickly returned when he saw who stepped in behind her.

Paige: Tensai. This is Ryback.

Ryback: 'Sup.

Yes Ryback. The overly muscular force from Sin City. He was dressed in a pair of jeans in a black leather vest that said "RYBACK" on it and no shirt on underneath. Because Ryback doesn't need a god damn shirt. Tensai was very confused.

Tensai: I'm very confused.

Paige: Ryback has the same job as you. To make sure that no one lays a filthy hand upon me.

Tensai: But..I'm capable of doing this alone.

Paige: You're failing to understand. This is growing. I'm working on expanding my empire and one man alone simply cannot hold that entire weight on his shoulders.

Ryback nodded along in agreement.

Paige: Do get acquainted with one another. I fear I must be off.

The Women's Champion strolled away and Ryback took Tensai by the wrist and gave him a one sided fist bump.

Ryback: 500 Million Trillion Powers.

Tensai: Excuse me..?

Ryback: That's the name of our tag team. Listen. I've already got a match. I've got to beat up some dorky, little Swiss guy. I'll come find you. We'll do a little male bonding. Two big guy's doing big guy things. Catch ya later.

Ryback left Tensai alone by his lonesome and he looked rather distressed. But there was no time for that. It was now time for Ryback. He continued on down the hall where Todd Grisham stood ready to conduct an interview. The was a catering table behind him with a huge spread and the camera closed in on Todd.

Todd Grisham: He'll be arriving at any moment?

When the camera panned back the entire catering table was now missing every last bit of food. Ryback was standing behind Todd, picking his teeth.

Todd Grisham: Did you..just..eat all of that?

Ryback: The Big Guy needs a big meal. You know. "Feed me more" or whatever.

Todd was astonished that a single human being could eat that much but pressed.

Todd Grisham: With that to serve as an introduction-

Ryback: Can it, butt-head! The Big Guy doesn't need you to tell the world how he's going to beat up some nerd from Switzerland! Why don't you make like a tree and get out of here?

Ryback snarled and Todd nodded in such a way that his actions were saying "Yes Sir. Please punish this camera with your words.". He began to walk away before Ryback pulled back by placing his hand on his shoulder.

Ryback: On second thought. Don't go. I do need you. You make look even bigger.

And looking big was very important to Ryback.

Todd Grisham: A-Alright. Ladies and gentleman, I'm here with Ryback. He is going to be making his debut against Antonio Cesaro.

Ryback: More like..Dweebtario Cesar-NO. Hah. Am I right or what?

Todd Grisham: ....

One of Ryback's many talents was the art of stand up comedy and he didn't look pleased that Todd was not laughing at his joke.

Todd Grisham: But I'm very sure that's going to catch on very quickly.

Ryback: That joke probably went over your head. Now that's talk about Cesaro. He's a tall guy. Taller than me. Barely. But he's skinny as shit. Do you know that I have a singlet that says "BIG TRAPS"on it? That's because I have big traps. If Cesaro tried to wear something like that he would be exposed for a fraud because his traps are tiny.

Todd Grisham: Traps aside, Antonio did put on quite an effort against the current Breakout Champion recently.

Ryback: But did he lose?

Todd Grisham: He did.

Ryback: LOOOOOOSER.

Ryback placed his fingers into the shape of an "L" on his forehead.

Ryback: That proves that no matter what Antonio Cesaro will always have the spirit of a little guy. He isn't big enough to hold a title. And he's bald. I'm bald as well but it's by personal choice. I could have hair if I wanted but having no hair makes me more aerodynamic. Antonio has no hair because he's a beta and was going bald. I'm an alpha and I could have a long, luxurious head of hair whenever I want. Big hair for the big guy.

Todd Grisham: Male pattern baldness aside, Cesaro is a pure wrestler. He can go hold for hold with the best of them.

Ryback: I've heard him say he puts the "W" in "Wrestling", right? I think he puts the "W" in "WUSS!"

Ryback laughed with his fists resting on his hips and a twinkle in his eye.

Ryback: Damn, I'm funny.

Todd Grisham: "W"'s aside, we've seen Cesaro pull of some extraordinary feats of strength. You may not be able to overpower him as easily as you may think.

Ryback: Cesaro is a TWERP and he's gonna get CREAMED. Maybe he's sort of kind of strong but he's nowhere near as strong as I am. Do you really think he's going to be able to swing me around or toss me around the ring? YEAH RIGHT. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Switzerland may be neutral but I am not. I'm going to teach him to stay out of the ring and go yodeling at..The Phantom of the Opera or whatever sissy things he likes to do in his spare time. I've never met anyone from Switzerland that wasn't a total wimp. Antonio is no exception. What kind of name is ANTONIO? He sounds like a Tennis instructor. A name like Ryback is a name for big, bad ass, ass kicker and that's exactly what I am. Antonio isn't going to be able to fill me up, hell, he's barely an appetizer. So when I hit him with the Meat Hook Clothesline, I'm gonna lift him up for the Shell Shock, march around that ring, and drive him all the way back to that communist country he comes from. Antonio is going to learn that the only way to do things is to do it BIG!

One does not correct Ryback on the finer points of communism. Todd realized this and simply thanked Ryback for his time and wished him luck. But Ryback did not need luck for he knew that some nerd with leg wraps couldn't possibly hope to overcome him.     

Lookit a promo

The promo began in a very 80's sort of way. There was a big, green EBWF Logo backdrop and two wrestlers standing in front of it. Two Diva's. Two Ninja's. Portia Perez and Nicole Matthews. Since this was Portia's match she stood in front while Nicole remained in the background with her arms folded. Portia pointed at the camera while her completely not ridiculous and cool top-knot hair style sort of flopped around. 

Portia Perez: Kelly Kelly, you are the most inefficient, unequivocally worst wrestler I've ever seen! Do you have a finishing move? Does anyone know what is it? Do YOU know what it is? Because I am absolutely, one hundred percent positive that no one on the planet has ever seen you use it before! If I was hit by a truck, attacked by a gorilla, had all of my bones broken, shot and stabbed right before our match started..you still couldn't hold me down for three seconds! 

Nicole stepped forward with her arms still hidden behind her back. Her composed and more stern tone of voice counteracted her partners brash, far louder energy.

Nicole Matthews: Kelly Kelly lacks the basic fundamentals that are necessary to achieve any type of success at this level. Furthermore, to consider her a threat or any type of challenge would be extremely laughable. It is in my opinion that her non-Canadian upbringing and the pitiful lack of ability is the culprit. The startling fact that she has remained on this roster for this amount of time is both insulting and disparaging to my senses.

Portia kept quiet for a few moments after that droning explanation.

Portia Perez: ..YEAH! Hit the bricks, buttercup! Kick rocks! Scram! Vamanos!

Nicole Matthews: Depart. Leave. Deviate.

Portia Perez: You're the WORST, Kelly Kelly! Bad! Terrible! Rotten! Horrible!

Nicole Matthews: Uninspiring. Lackluster. Milquetoast.

  Both ladies nodded to one another in approval.

Portia Perez: Have you ever done ANYTHING anyone has ever remotely cared about? Do they pay you in monopoly money? You have a worse win-loss record than S.D. Jones, Leapin' Lanny Poffo, and Barry Horowitz combined! I don't even know who that last person is!

Nicole Matthews: Barry Horowitz is an American professional wrestler, best known for his time in the World Wrestling Federation. Horowitz attended Florida State--

Portia waved her hands about to cut off her partner who apparently had a Wikipedia app living in her head.

Portia Perez: Not important! What is important right now is that Kelly Kelly is in for a fist clenched, steam roller beating! We mentioned that Kelly Kelly doesn't have a finisher and that's because she's never actually pulled off an offensive manuever! I on the other hand..!!

The Ninja in question who was competing this week rose a finger proudly to the sky.

Portia Perez: Know all KINDS of moves! I can do a Dropkick! I can do a Leg Trap Sunset Flip Powerbomb! I can do a spinning wheel kick! I've got a little something in my arsenal known as the dreaded KOSHER PICKLE! That would be a spinning OR FLIPPING inverted double underhook facebuster! How can she defend against that?! How can ANYONE defend against that?! They can't! That's how!

Nicole Matthews: There is no defense for a move like that. It's impossible to dodge. Blocking is out of the question.

Portia Perez: And that's not even my finisher!

Portia held her hands on either sides of her head and made an exploding motion.

Portia Perez: Your mind is blown, isn't it? Good! Because we're not wasting our times with Kelly Kelly! We want those tag team titles and we're gonna get 'em! We only won the Shimmer tag titles like eight hundred times so this shouldn't even be a problem! Kelly Kelly! Don't try to turn the tables on me! I'll turn the tables in a wrong way! You got me mad now! I've done everything necessary! Get in the ring with me! This time, I'm GOING - FULL - FORCE.

Portia made growly angry faces at the camera because that's everyone in the 80's seemed to do in these kind of promo's as this promo from 2013 ended.    

       

Look ya'll a promo.

A contest in which two pro wrestlers try to determine which one of them is more bad ass than the other was serious business and came with very bragging rights. One such contest was taking place right at this moment in the locker room of The Canadian Ninja's. Both of the young women who comprised the team were dressed in their ring gear and pre-match hoods as they tried to up-stage one another.

Portia Perez: Top this.

The smaller but equally as powerful member of the team slowly drug her tongue along the side of a shiny, silver sai. A sai being a three prong bladed for those of you who are keeping score or never watched Ninja Turtles

Nicole Matthews: Top THIS.

Nicole reproduced the action but she decided to slide her tongue along a katana that was so shiny that you could see your reflection in it. Portia was impressed.

Portia Perez: Damn it. Well, see what you've got against THIS.

Portia did the same thing but this time she pulled her hood over her eyes when she did it.

Nicole Matthews: Not fair! A hood makes everything more bad ass!

Nicole pulled down her own hood and the two continued to lick at the cold steel they held.

Portia Perez: BLEH!

Nicole Matthews: Bleh, bleh!

And then Coach walked in and looked pretty freaked out by all of this.

The Coach: Oh no.

The Ninja's looked towards Coach with their tongues still on their weapons while they peeked out from behind their hoods.

The Coach: The last time I came to interview you two I had those ninja star things tossed at my head!

Nicole Matthews: Strictly an accident, Coach.

Portia Perez: And we were aiming for your face. Not your head.

Coach still seemed apprehensive since that explanation wouldn't calm anyone's nerves.

The Coach: Can you please just not throw anything during this interview?

Portia Perez: Alright, alright, DAD. We won't throw anything. 

Nicole and Portia threw their weapons over into a corner where they landed with a couple loud clanging sounds. Coach remained silent.

Portia Perez: ..At you.

Nicole Matthews: Coach. It's fine. Portia just gets a little hyped when she has something in her hands that could potentially dismember or decapitate someone. Who doesn't feel that way in the same situation?

The Coach: Anyone who isn't a serial killer?!  

Portia Perez: Coach! Just ask your questions, man! You come in here and just kill all the buzz we've got going with your "I don't want ninja star's thrown at me" and all that! 

The Coach: I think it's a fair request. But, but, I want to congratulate you on your victory at the last Warfare!

Portia and Nicole instantly broke out into a victory dance that was so choreographed that they had to have been practicing in the event that this would be brought up.

Nicole Matthews: We're wealthy!

Portia Perez: We're prosperous!

Nicole Matthews: We're opulent!

Portia Perez: We're plush!

Nicole Matthews: We're gilded!

Portia Perez: We're-

The Coach: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a moment here. You didn't let me finish. Not only did you pick up a victory but one of the teams involved in that match was the newly crowned Tag Team Champions: The Beautiful People.

The two Canadian Diva's looked at one another. 

Nicole Matthews: We're wealthy!

Portia Perez: We're prosperous!

Nicole Matthews: We're-

The Coach: Whoa! WHOA! But you haven't been named number one contenders yet!

They looked at each other again but with annoyed looks instead of the spirit of dance and celebration.

Portia Perez: WHAAAAAAT?! What kind of Canadian discrimination is this?!

The Coach: Chris Jericho is Canadian so I don't think that's it. But if you can get another win against Lacey and Rain I'm sure that would go along way towards getting you that title shot.

Nicole Matthews: How do we know Chris Jericho isn't a self-hating Canadian?

Portia Perez: Yeah? How do we know?

The Coach: I..guess we really have no real way of knowing?

Nicole Matthews: And how do Lacey and Rain know what it feels like to get their heads kicked off?  

Portia Perez: They don't! Not until Monday anyway! 

Both of the practitioners of some form of Asian combat threw super kicks towards Coach's head but made sure to stop short of connecting since that would cause his cranium to explode. Coach's arms were buried over his head.

Portia Perez: Your weakness is disgusting to me.

Nicole Matthews: Tae Kwon Do is terrific for keeping in shape, but it's also a deadly serious killing system. 

Portia Perez: And we are deadly serious killing machines. And we are going to KILL Lacey and Rain.

Nicole looked at Portia sharply and shook her head.

Nicole Matthews: We've talked about this. Canadian's can't go around saying those sort of things.

Portia Perez: We are going to DEFEAT Lacey and Rain.

Nicole Matthews: Good girl.

The Coach: B-B-Best of luck ladies.

Coach backed away and was thankful that he could conclude the interview without his life being threatened. By weapons.  

Hey a promo

Tensai had always been locked at as comical. Even though he was a 300 plus giant of a man with face tattoo's and was incredibly powerful he still came off a kind of a goof. But ever since he began his infatuation with Paige the more amusing aspects of his personality had begun to fade. He was starting to become the monster he appeared to be. Two weeks ago Leo Kruger had tried to put his hands on Tensai's beloved Paige and found himself driven through a table. A new attitude was forming. The big, bald tattooed covered man was dressed in a well pressed black suit with a purple colored dress shirt underneath. Dark sunglasses covered his eyes and he looked very much like a member of the feared crime syndicate in Japan: The Yakuza. He stood backstage in his locker room and began rubbing his palms together while possibly daydreaming of mangling his opponents. Paige's influence was apparent due to the spiked wrist cuffs he wore.

Tensai: Yubitsume. It's a Japanese ritual to atone for offenses to another, a way to be punished or show sincere apology to another. But simply begging for forgiveness isn't enough. One must slice off the tip of their finger. The package is then graciously delivered to the oyabun. The boss. The kumicho. The Godfather.

Tensai slowly removed his sunglasses and neatly tucked them into his suit pocket.

Tensai: Bret Hart. Connor O'Brian. Damien Sandow. I will be anticipating your offering at Sacrifice. I am your oyabun. As such you will be me proper respect or be met with unyielding pain. You need only ask Leo Kruger what happens to those who attempt to trifle with me. They are left battered and unconcious at my feet.

Tensai wasn't behaving as loudly or bellowing as he was known for. He was acting much more reserved. The behemoth reached down out of the camera's sight and lifted Todd Grisham upwards by this wrist. He stared down at the interviewers eyes.

Tensai: Upon entering you did not greet my dwelling with the proper respect, gaijin. You have brought shame upon me so I made you grovel. Where is your offering for me? Where is your offering for Queen Paige? Speak quickly or suffer the consequences.

Todd Grisham: Offering?

Tensai: I'll take it from you myself. I am sure Paige would enjoy having the finger tip of a fool for her very own. She enjoys such grim things immensely. A fine addition to her collection.

At about this moment Todd really wished that the bumbling and well meaning Tensai would return.

Todd Grisham: But, but, but!

Tensai clenched down on Grisham's wrist before letting him drop back to the ground. He sternly looked down as the interviewer adjusted his glasses.

Tensai: You are not worthy of an offering for Queen Paige. Depart before I decide otherwise. Your services are not needed. Go.

Todd quickly scrambled his way out of the room as the kanji covered face of Tensai looked towards the camera.

Tensai: Damien Sandow. I am truly glad that you have finally decided to start dressing and acting like a man. But now I see that you have replaced your bath robe with a rabbits foot. I shouldn't need to remind you, Damien, that no amount of luck has ever been able to reward you with a victory over me. I have defeated you every time we have stepped into the ring and this time will be no different. I am going to take your PTG Title and honor Queen Paige with it's golden luster. And then I shall take your precious rabbits foot and shove it down your throat. Perhaps then you will discover that luck cannot compared to pure strength and brutality. No trinket can save you from the thrashing I will give you. Prepare once more for your punishment you pathetic little man.

Tensai pounded a fist into his palm and bowed his head.

Tensai: It would seem that steam rolling Damien Sandow will not simply be enough. There are others who I must also crush. This makes a me a very happy man.

The well dressed former Breakout Champion gave a scary smile.

Tensai: Do you see this smile I wear? It is only present when I am able to trample three hapless foes at once. A rare occasion indeed but one I shall cherish. 

And just like that the smile was gone.

Tensai: Connor O'Brian. You have said very insulting things towards me. You believe I am sad? The only thing sad will be the remains I leave you in once I get my hands around your scrawny neck and send you plummeting through the center of the ring. You speak of drones and other such things that hold no interest to me. You are standing in my way of me becoming a champion once more. How will you possibly rise when your body is broken? You will have many long weeks to try and discover the answer from your hospital bed, puny baka.

Tensai bowed once again but this time with his palms pressed together instead of in a menacing pound.

Tensai: Bret Hart. You are a legend in the ring. I offer respect to you but that will not stop me from pummeling you into submission. You are very skilled but you have grown old and feeble. You have defeated giants but none such as myself. Your withered body will not be able to withstand my blows. I will not end your career. I will merely retire you. Thank you for allowing me to be the one who finally removes the last bit of fight from your body, old one. 

The purple tie was straightened out and the serious business version of Tensai concluded his interview.

Tensai: Tensai. New PTG Champion. Ichiban. 

promo ya'll

Tensai, Portia Perez and Nicole Matthews all arrived in the EBWF as a unit. But that unit quietly drifted apart after Tensai unexpectedly became infatuated with Paige and seemed to completely focus on the icey, dark haired young woman. The giant of a man rounded a corner and paused in his tracks. A very awkward meeting was about to take place. He stared down at his former cohorts as they glared up at him with their arms folded over their chests. Tensai opened his mouth to speak but then closed it. He rubbed a hand at the back of his neck and looked away. He was wearing stylish gothic clothes. They couldn't be too angry with him, could they?

Portia Perez: You..douchebag!

Portia hauled off and kicked Tensai right in the crotch. But despite the fact that it was a perfectly thrown and timed kick he didn't seem to budge an inch. He looked completely surprised but stood frozen. Portia huffed and stormed off with Nicole in tow and they headed further down the corridor. Once they were far enough away Portia howled and gripped her leg. Tensai apparently had balls of steel.

Portia Perez: What the HELL?! What's wrong with his balls?!

Nicole Matthews: ..I don't..uh..I really don't want to think about it.

Portia winced and shook her leg a few times.

Portia Perez: Well, I showed him. 

Nicole Matthews: Alright so I think we learned enough from him anyhow. We're perfectly capable ninjas, aren't we?

Portia Perez: Perfectly capable! We don't need him!

They both nodded in agreement but slowly gave each other confused expressions.

Nicole Matthews: What would he have us do to prepare for this match?

Portia Perez: Don't sweat it. I got this.

The pair relocated to their "temple" aka locker room and began preparation. They were now dressed in matching black and teal colored hoods and their hands were folded in a meditative position with their heads lowered. Wu-Tang Clan were blaring in the background since they had a ton of martial arts references in their lyrics. On the counter above them was a small statue of Jean Claude Van Damme.

Nicole Matthews: I fear not the woman who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, I fear the woman who has practiced one kick 10,000 times.

Portia Perez: As you think, so shall you become.

Both Ninja's flipped through the pages of the book of Bruce Lee quotes they were reciting. 

Portia Perez: Does it say anything about winning wrestling matches?

Nicole Matthews: Bruce Lee didn't need to win wrestling matches. Bruce Lee beat up Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Eve and Layla are no Kareem Abdul Jabbar. 

Portia Perez: He also beat up Chuck Norris. In his prime. RIPPED HIS CHEST HAIR OUT. Could The Beautiful People do that?

They gave each other matching looks. It was clear that The Beautiful People possessed no such capabilities. Portia pulled out a pair of nunchucks and swung them around before catching one under her arm.

Nicole Matthews: Try not kill anyone with those.

Portia Perez: Hai.

Portia held out a palm and quickly nodded her head. She placed a trio of throwing stars in Nicole's hand.

Nicole Matthews: I'm a little afraid to ask why you have these or how you got them through the airport security. 

Portia Perez: Just hurl them at the wall. Pretend it's one of our opponents. Gets a lot of aggression out. I practice on the mail man sometimes.

Nicole paused for a moment, shrugged off the comment and flicked her wrist towards a wall and let the shiny, sharp stars go flying.

The Coach: Hi girls! I'm The Coach and-BLAAAARGH!

Coach picked a terrible time to walk into the room as the throwing stars whizzed past his head and he ducked for cover. The interviewer quickly scurried out of the ring and slammed the door behind.

Nicole Matthews: Oh! Hey! Wait!

Nicole stomped her foot.

Nicole Matthews: Damn it! How are we going to express our desire to win this match now?!

Portia Perez: No one in the history of anything ever has won a fight with words! Punch and kick them until they can't stand up any more!

Both silently agreed and returned to their meditative stance and began to chant the all mighty name of the warrior who's spirit would carry them to victory.

Portia Perez + Nicole Matthews: ..Steven Seagal, Steven Seagal, Steven Seagal..