A dinner spread fit for an entire family. The enormous amount of food was all perfectly placed on a long table with a pale blue colored table cloth. Candles were lit and one would think that this was enough to feed the entire EBWF roster. BUT NO. It was all for one man. Ryback. He stood at the end of the table like a carnivore ready to rip apart a deer. Everything was freshly prepared. Seated at the head of the table was the woman he served as a bodyguard for. The reigning Women's Champion: Paige. Her fingers lightly drummed against her cheek as she smiled just slightly.
Paige: You have done some amazing things so far. You're much better at your job than Tensai ever was.
Ryback: That's not saying much. I'm a killer. He was just a lovesick idiot.
Ryback's eyes lowered to the wealth of food before him.
Paige: I believe we should continue this arrangement. However, your next match is going to be very important. One of the participants is someone that I..loathe, to put it very lightly.
Ryback: Yeah?
Paige: Leo Kruger. I would very much enjoy it if you were to mangle him beyond all recognition. I had the..old hand thoroughly beat him for his actions in the past but I believe you can hammer home the message even clearer.
A smirk appeared on the grizzled features of Ryback. It was obvious to him that if he destroyed whomever Paige directed him towards that more lavish expenses would be bestowed upon him. And more food.
Ryback: So you want me to hurt this guy? Consider it done.
Paige: Take his title. Make sure he is aware that I took it from him. I want him to realize what happens when you put your hands on royalty. And while you're at it..do whatever you want to Carlito. Have fun with it.
Ryback: Oh, I'm going to have fun all right. I'm going to have lots of fun wrecking those two 'small fries'.
This was enough reassurance for Paige that Ryback could get the job done and she turned her back to the table before stepping away. She knew that table and everything on it was about to be massacred.
Paige: Dig in.
A normal man would probably go into a coma after attempting to down this many quantities of food. But Ryback was no normal man.
SCENE 2: DINNER TIME
It looked like a scene from an early 90's cooking program. Except that the host was a gigantic, man in an air brushed singlet. Everything in the kitchen looked very wholesome except Ryback who stood behind a kitchen table that was filled with ingredients, pots and pans and what have you.
Ryback: Ha. Welcome to cooking with Ryback. And no. I'm not going to wear an apron or a chef's hat. Because I'm not a LOSER. Zoom the camera closer to my face you skinny nerd.
The camera was brought in closer so that only Ryback's face filled the screen.
Ryback: I hear that a lot of our stupid, out of shape fans say that I can't be entertaining. Or that I can't wrestle.
He slammed one of his beefy fists onto the counter top.
Ryback: SAY IT TO MY FACE AND NOT ON THE INTERNET AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
The camera shot back out of terror but Ryback regained a more calm demeanor.
Ryback: I have destroyed men like Antonio Cesaro, Big Show and Chris Sabin and at Fanniversary I'm going to claim my very first EBWF title. So welcome, you fat geeks, to "COOKING WITH RYBACK".
He spread his arms out and nodded in approval at his sweet name for a cooking show.
Ryback: Some of you may be asking yourself.."what are the ingredients to create Ryback"? Well, the first thing you need to know is that I'm all man. ALL MAN. There are no ingredients that can create a physical specimen such as myself. It's impossible so don't even try. There is no one as strong, powerful or as BIG as me. Maybe if you could get on a rocket and fly to another planet you might be able to find something that could POSSIBLY craft an athlete like me. But, then again, all of you watching are way too gross and blob like to ever pass the physical to become an astronaut. Those are the facts and you can't deny them. Same goes for my opponents. HEY. Where are my ingredients?!
A chubby, male stagehand quickly rushed onto the set to hand a burlap sack to Ryback. He took one look at his lacking physique and scoffed.
Ryback: We all know that Ryback rules, but in your house CLEARLY food rules. HAH.
He shooed the guy away before his un-chisled appearance made him sick to his stomach.
Ryback: Let's start with the first guy who stands between me and the Breakout Title. Carlito.
A large finger was pointed directly towards the camera.
Ryback: Carlito. I've got a problem with you. You walk around calling yourself a "Body Guy"?! What kind of body do you have you skinny, pathetic slug?! Maybe if you weren't so lazy and you hit the gym every now and again you MIGHT have a body like Ryback. But you don't have the dedication, drive or focus! Do you want to know what's not cool? YOU'RE NOT COOL. RYBACK IS COOL. Your hair probably weighs more than you do! Learn how to lift and pump some real iron before you even THINK of considering yourself a body guy. How many reps can you even do?! Do you think your traps measure up to mine?! YEAH RIGHT. You're pretty much a cruiserweight. You want this title? You had better cruiser WAIT.
After Ryback was done admonishing Carlito's gym activities he reached into the burlap sack and pulled out an afro wig. He stuffed it into one of the steel pots.
Ryback: You want to make Carlito? Here is the first ingredient. Horrible, rat infested hair. He's filled with pride about it but I'm not sure why. Second ingredient.
He pulled out a big juicy apple and swiped it against his manly and enormous chest.
Ryback: I have never in my entire existence met a human being who ate apples and was tough. Never. Carlito is no exception but for some reason he can't get enough of 'em so into the pot it goes.
The apple was rolled into the pot.
Ryback: ..So..yeah. That's pretty much it really. All Carlito has going for him is his hair and his apples. I don't think anyone is going to be too surprised when bad hair and fruit don't measure up to the BIG GUY. I've got an extra dish for ya. Start taking notes. This is how you prepare Leo Kruger.
Ryback scowled and shook his head about a few times.
Ryback: Kruger..you're exactly what everyone says you are. An animal. A sick freak. You like hunting women? Why don't you try hunting me? Because you will quickly find out that Ryback is the king of this jungle. It doesn't matter how good of hunter you think you are. You aren't prepared for a creature like me. You think a rhino..or a hippo..or even a lion can give you trouble? You haven't seen anything until you step into the ring with THE BIG GUY. You've held your title for over five month. Congrats. It's only because I haven't been around to take it from you but don't worry. I'm not going to leave you empty handed. I'm going to leave your teeth all over the ring. Maybe you can make a necklace out of them or something.
Ryback lifted his bag of ingredients upwards once again.
Ryback: Wanna know how to make Leo Kruger? Pay attention.
A black fright wig was pulled out and stuffed inside along with the other items.
Ryback: Gross, dirty hair. Yeah. Both of my opponents have really bad hair. If the Big Guy felt like having hair you can guarantee that shampooing and conditioning would be a priority.
A map of South Africa was pulled out next and roughly shoved inside the pot.
Ryback: Kruger is from South Africa. I don't really know where that is and I don't care. I guess north of Africa or something. All I know that he came from there so it must SUCK. Is that going to upset South Africans? LIKE I EVEN CARE.
Ryback lifted the pot upwards.
Ryback: What do you get when you put them both together?
The pot was thrown against a wall where it made a loud clang sound and Ryback turned to the camera and snarled.
Ryback: A BIG STEAMING PILE OF CRAP. That's exactly what my opponents are. The time to entertain is over! Carlito! Kruger! Take a good, hard look! Do you think I can't hurt you? Better think again! Because not only am I going to hurt you I'm also going to leave that arena as a champion! When I'm done feasting on you two I'm not even going to leave the bones.
The Big Guy stormed off of the set after demonstrating his prowess as a chef.
